The journey continues….
So, it’s been some time since I wrote on my blog, but after some time,I decided it want to keep my blog going. Mostly, just to keep track of the way of how my waking up process happens. As it didn’t just stop when I got back from Hawaii, rather, it’s been an ever-evolving process since.
Recently, I’ve been reading the blog written from the wife of a friend/former yoga student of mine about the ups and downs of her husband’s cancer and the agony of his dying process (which I’m so glad she did bc it was authentic and real and out of unconditional love for her husband and those who knew him), but it kept us all connected, which we often lose in this hustle and bustle world. His story was obviously more arduous and painful, and I’m not comparing my journey to his- it’s just different. I hold all the most respect and reverence for this friend and his family. Yet, it’s still the process of dis-ease, we all go through it, in one form or another.
I wish we could all sit around the fire and keep oral tradition alive, but that’s not the way things are so much now, so this is my story- my version of oral tradition. you don’t have to read it, I won’t be offended. I will just tell it as it unfolds and maybe you will tell yours too.
My hope is that perhaps it may help or inspire you or someone you know to make a change and find healing in whatever way you may need or want. Or maybe it’s just a way to stay connected to those who I might not always talk to or see on a daily basis. Whatever the reason, connection lies behind it.
So, here it goes… Since getting back to the mainland from Hawaii. A lot to catch up on…this will most likely be in a few parts.
As most of you know, my health took somewhat of a dive a few years ago, and my physical body’s systems went awry, and not to mention the emotional and spiritual sides too. Which came unglued first? I don’t know, I guess it doesn’t matter….
A short time after I got back from Hawaii, maybe October,I went to see a doctor to discuss my health. She was a highly regarding doctor from Russia who had studied hormones and I highly anticipated seeing her, as I thought she would be the one to turn things around, and I could laugh at the 4 other endocrinologists who didn’t help. So, I went to see her, and started telling her all about my issues, and let her look at my blood work that I’d had done with other doctors, ready for her to have some bright conclusive idea, but instead, the words that came out of her mouth… “I think you need to see an endocrinologist. This is too complicated- it’s beyond my scope”. My heart sunk, and I felt the tears swelling in my eyes, the lump in my throat…and I couldn’t stop it, so there I sat like a child crying in her office. She didn’t understand why, of course, she didn’t know about all the other doctors I’d seen, all the work I had done, but she was quick to check my diagnosis off as “emotionally labile”- Nice. I forget the diagnosis code number for that one.
205.6 or something like that, haha. I don’t know. However, she did have a moment of empathy when I told her about my trials with endocrinologists, and she gave me the name of a woman who does work with biodynamic cranial sacral therapy, which addresses the parasympathetic nervous system and the emotional body together and allows the body to relax and go into healing mode. She said, I want you to see this woman, and if things still aren’t better in 3 months, then revisit the endocrinologist idea. Ok, I agreed, it was better than nothing.
I gave the woman, Sophie, a call,and her working process is very different. She has a 3 month contract with her clients in which she basically sees and or talks to them almost everyday. She guarantees her work with that commitment- a unique approach. Wasn’t anything what I was expecting and I was a little nervous to commit, but i was so ready for things to get better. Basically, she does cranial sacral therapy to calm the nervous system down (as a result of too much stress from too many sources.. Physical, emotional, environmental food, etc). But that was just scratching the surface of it, she did a lot of work with me emotionally; and as we did that, we would physically track what was happening in my physical body. There are sensations that you will notice once you just pay attention. You see, the body stores trauma and memories in the actual cells. When we don’t discharge an emotion (ie stuff it down) and ignore it, it stays with us. For example, when an animal gets attacked by a predator, and survives, it shakes and trembles, and that is a form of discharging that traumatic event. Often times, us humans, just try to forget about something that effects us and ignore it, we make less of a deal. So, she got me to talk about past memories, some not so pleasant memories, we talked about everything under the sun over these three months, the body knows when it’s ready to resolve issues, and the silliest of memories would come up at the most random times, but I inherently knew, that my body was ready to release that when the memory appeared. We would also re-do scenarios in my life and she made me imagine things how I wanted them to turn out rather than how they actually did (reason being: that the brain cannot distinguish between what’s real and what’s imagined, so when you imagine things how you want them to turn out, you release positive endorphins and actually change the body’s internal chemistry). So, with much time releasing old emotional scars, working on the cranial sacral system, and doing a lot of positive affirmations on my future plans, many things did get better. Not completely, but definitely, things were starting to shift in the right direction….
It wasn’t until the last week of my sessions with Sophie, that I felt like I had an epiphany of sorts. I had been getting a little short and quick to frustrate with her those last couple weeks. She asked me what was wrong, and I eventually broke down when I realized something. A lot of my work with her had been about my loss in trust in people who I was close to, as I had lost a lot of trust in dear friends and people I was close to throughout recent years, who essentially just disappeared from my life. Here I was in my last week with her, someone who I had told more about myself to than most two friends…she knew it all, and we became friends too, and there I was, in my mind, having to face losing someone else close to me. The very issue I had worked with her a lot on, I was facing with her. Ironic. In that moment, for the first time, I had felt “the wall” go up. Literally, I felt the physical wall in my body…hard and dense, blocking the space between us, and at that very moment, I became aware of how I go into situations and relations with a pre-existing wall. I was able to break it down and the epiphany of knowing that was huge and me aware. I felt I was able to move forward. I had conquered something that had been holding me back from my shift. I feel this was a pivotal piece in my healing process.
That’s enough for now, but there’s more to catch you up on, but will finish another time…